## [Lip-Synching To Aria]
## [Phonograph: Female Soprano Singing Aria]
[Truck Approaching]
- [Brakes Screeching] - Ah, sh...
## [Soprano Ends With Flourish]
- Guess who, Charles. - We've come back.
- Like a belch from a bad onion. - Hey, give us a hug.
Get away. Get away. Get away. Who knows where you've been.
- Well, we certainly don't. - Probably lying in a gutter in Tokyo.
The hotels were full, so we took a sewer with bath.
- Aren't you gonna ask us what we brought you? - No...
because whatever it is, either I have it or I don't need it.
Ha! Wrong! You don't have it, and you desperately need it.
[Chuckles] We found this at the sumo wrestling matches in Tokyo and thought of you.
[B.J. Laughs] It was lying at the side of the ring. They play rough.
- Try, try not to be absurd. - [Hawkeye] You think this is absurd?
- The winner got two ears and a tail! - [Charles Mock Laughs]
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
- Wait a minute. Hold it. What? - What happened to this place?
- It's different. - It's been cleaned, fumigated... some of the fungus hacked away.
Look at this! All my fleas are dead! Murderer!
I merely put out the contract. Let me introduce you to the hit man.
- [Bell Ringing] - Charles, you never told us you play the bell.
- Breakfast. - Ahh, Kwang.
This is all the new dirt that I warned you about. Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt...
- this is my new houseboy, Kwang Yong. - [Hawkeye] Kwang.
How'd he get you? At gunpoint or trap?
I screened a number of applicants. Kwang suited me best.
- Tough luck, kid. - It's awfully hard to find good help over here.
Oh, I quite agree, Charles. What with bombs falling on their huts and all...
you never know whether they're gonna show up for work or not.
- How much are you underpaying him, Charles? - None of your business...
and keep your mildewed undergarments to yourself.
Major say to me, "I pay you a dollar an hour... once a day."
- How can you afford him, Charles? - It's the going rate.
It's the going rate. Besides, he gets his meals thrown in.
- When he doesn't throw out, he throws up. - [Charles Mock Laughs]
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded. Welcome back, Captains.
- Don't even give a man a chance to unpack. - More casualties.
What other plagues did you bring back with you?
Oh, we were gonna keep the hail and locusts as a surprise.
Darn.
Well, don't just stand there, Kwang. Have this shirt cleaned and pressed.
Light starch on the cuffs and the collar. Oh, disinfect whatever of mine they touched.
[Grumbles]
[Kwang Narrating] Dear Comrade. As instructed by the Intelligence Section...
of the People's Army, I have begun a careful surveillance of the 4077th MASH.
I will remain here until I learn the methods they use...
to achieve their remarkable record of success.
I have established myself with an ideal cover.
- You're more than kind. - I'm playing a grinning lackey to a capitalist fool.
- Hemostats. Plenty of them. - Easy, Doctor. We're running low.
Course we're low. We are always running low. What I wanna know is why.
It can't be for lack of funds. The government has most of the money.
My taxes alone are proof of that. I probably financed this entire hospital.
What I wanna know is where are my damn hemostats?
- Have you checked under your tax shelters? - Would you look at this boy?
- Head to toe, he's one big rash. - They never learn from those training films, do they?
- Is it patches of tiny, red, raised lesions, Colonel? - He's up to his epaulets in 'em.
- Why? You know what it is? - No, but the last guy I worked on had the same thing.
These boys must have tiptoed through the same poisoned tulips.
Probably an allergy, Colonel. Since there are only 10,000 exotic allergies in Korea...
we should be able to isolate it in, oh, I'd say... say, about 10 years.
That's the attitude, Charles. No matter how dark it gets, keep pulling down the shades.
- [Mock Guffaws] - [Kwang] Nurse?
- You are a nurse? - Since you're new here, I'll overlook that.
- Why you wear the uniform of a nurse? - It's a disguise.
- I'm hiding from sanity. - That's crazy.
- See? It's working. - Ahh.
- [Hawkeye] I need some suction. - [Kwang Narrating] For such an efficient unit...
their behavior in surgery is extremely haphazard and undisciplined.
As for their off-duty behavior. Decadent.
[Chattering]
One for the honey. Two for the schmo.
Three for the loser, and I'll keep the dough.
You know, that used to be my money he's drooling on.
- And what isn't yours is mine. - What's mine is yours, Margaret.
- I'll be glad to make a little advance to ya. - How much?
- As much as I can get away with in public. - Major Winchester...
ready for hot towel?
Ah, Kwang, you are a pearl.
Uncultured, but a pearl.
- Say, you think you could get him to get me a beer? - He only serves wine.
- Oh. Great. I'll have that. - To me.
- Anything else, Major? - Put some cement in his footbath, Kwang.
- After it hardens, we'll take him for a dip in the river. - [Charles] Uh-huh.
Thank you, Kwang. That will be all. Oh, I think I'll listen to Rachmaninoff tonight.
It's easy to find. It's the album cover with the big "R" and all the little letters after it.
- It's to you, Cimoli. - Yeah. Thirty bucks.
Uh-uh. Too high. I'm out.
- All guts. - Thank you for the cleaning.
You know our motto: In by 11:00, cleaned by 5:00.
Gentlemen, Rachmaninoff awaits.
- If he's got any money, send him over. - [Charles Mock Laughs]
Before I drop out, can anybody beat a pair of deuces? Bye.
All right. It's just you and me, Cimoli. I'll see your 30 and raise you 50.
- Fifty? You're bluffin'. - Oh, yeah, right.
That's why I got third-degree burns on my fingers.
Now you're scaring me. Here. Fifty. Fifty more.
- You gonna take that, Gaylord? - Fifty and a hundred more.
Call.
- Let's see your money. - Hey, you know I'm good for it.
Uh-uh. No credit extended to visiting supply sergeants.
- Nothing personal. He just doesn't trust you. - You're bluffing; I know that.
All right. I'll cover your hundred with a jeep.
Now you're bluffing. If you can't get a hundred, where are you gonna get a jeep?
- Hey, I'm the supply sergeant, remember? - Yeah. So?
So, I just might happen to know of a few jeeps that somehow missed...
getting on my official inventory, huh?
- Call. - Uh-huh.
- Two pair. - [Snickering]
I knew you were bluffin'. Full house. Jacks up sevens.
- You don't understand. Two pair. - Pair.
A pair of black nines and a pair of red nines.
Four nines you got? Oh, is there a doctor in the house?
The doctor is the house, and he thanks you.
- Drive it in, Cimoli, and put it on the table. - I ain't got a jeep on me.
- I'll have to bring it by later. - As long as it's here by next Saturday night.
I got a date with a nurse, and I need something to run out of gas in.
All right. Let's go again. I'll open with a B-29.
Son, I know it's like trying to hold the ocean back with a broom...
but try not to scratch.
- Yes, sir. What is this rash, anyway? - Well, we're workin' on it.
All we're sure about is you guys got the same thing from the same place.
- Now, stop scratching. - Working on it.
Darned if I know what to use on these guys. Nothin' works.
Maybe we should have them all declawed.
I'm gonna get on the horn to Seoul. They must have a doctor stashed away...
somewhere who knows something about skin.
- If he's down there, he knows about saving his own. - [Chuckles] Yeah.
- Please. Try and eat something. - [Speaking Korean]
- I'm sorry, but I don't understand. - Excuse me, sir...
but he thinks you are trying to poison him because he is North Korean.
Poison him? Me? Certainly not.
See? Good guy.
- [Korean] - He say you taste it first.
I was saving that as a last resort.
Well... down the hatch...
I hope.
[Laughs, Stops Short]
Dr. Nagle? Is this Dr. Nagle, the dermatologist?
Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.
You're a tough man to track down, buddy.
We tried the country club, but you were on the back nine.
We've got a rash problem here.
Rash! Rash!
Listen. Could you speak up? I can't hear you over the band.
Ask if they take requests. I'd love to hear "I've Got You Under My Skin."
- Or "Epidermis River by the Old Mill Stream." - Will you clowns shut up?
The symptoms are inflamed vesicles with drainage, crusting and severe itching.
- Cha, cha, cha. - [Mocking Tone] No kidding!
He says it sounds like a reaction to something.
- Why didn't we think of that? - Doctor, could you be a little more specific?
Well, if you had your choice among the hundreds of rashes...
indigenous to Korea, which would it be?
- This guy's really a nit. - We're getting nowhere, Doctor.
Maybe you could break away from your busy schedule and take a look at what we've got.
Uh-huh. I see.
Well, if General Imbrie has a boil, I can certainly see where you'd want to sit on it.
Yeah. Well, I'm keeping you off the dance floor.
Listen... Voop!
- So, we're back to scratch. - Captain Pierce, there's a delivery for you outside.
Oh, rats! They found me! I've been evading my draft notice.
- It's green. It moves. - My lunch.
- And it's from Sergeant Cimoli. - My jeep!
[Whoops]
[Continues Whooping] I love it!
But you'll have to get rid of that exhaust pipe. [Imitates Motor Revving]
- What are you doing, sir? - Idling in my new convertible.
- No, sir. My convertible. Your exhaust pipe. - What are you talkin' about?
- This is from Cimoli, isn't it? - I think you'd better read this.
"Couldn't swing the jeep. The howitzer is all I could get. Happy hunting."
- Could you give me a hand unhooking your gun, sir? - No!
What am I gonna do with a howitzer? Cimoli! That four-wheel flusher!
I want bearing and coordinates. I'll get him right in the azimuth.
- It's all yours, sir. - No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't go yet.
Wait. Look. I'll trade you the howitzer for the jeep, straight out.
I got orders to deliver one gun. They didn't say nothin' about bringin' one back.
Wait a minute. Take it all, but that's my final offer!
- What the hell is this? - It's a great hood ornament. Where's the jeep?
You're lookin' at it. He just drove away in the howitzer.
Pierce, get rid of that thing. We're a noncombat unit, and we're gonna stay that way.
Somebody'll see this, and we'll draw enemy fire.
Well, Dobbin, it looks like nobody loves ya, including me.
Just have to take you out to the field and shoot ya.
[Grunting, Straining]
Why don't I just leave it here and build the town square around it?
- Out! - Pull down this end. I'll lift up over there.
[Clears Throat]
- [Yelping] - [Grunting]
Thank you.
Hello, Charles. You got any rice you want puffed?
You are not bringing that blunderbuss into the tent.
- Just for tonight, Charles. We're having a little blast. - [Mock Laughs] Come on, Kwang.
- Major? - Hmm?
What is hospital doing with big gun?
Knowing this unit, Kwang, it's probably a new form of anesthesia.
Ahh!
You'll love it. Boiled beef. Move it out.
What do you mean, "boiled beef"? This is spoiled beef.
[Kwang Narrating] The Americans are as soft and weak-willed...
as we have been led to believe, Comrade.
They are supplied with an abundance of rations...
and yet they whine about its quality.
- [Klinger] All right. Step up and face the music. - Dinner for Major Winchester.
You've come to the right place: Max Klinger's Kamikaze Kitchen. One bite, and you hit the deck.
He say he just sample a little bit of everything.
You know what's wrong with that man? He's a coward. If that gets too heavy, set it down.
It'll crawl there by itself.
- Did you see big gun in compound? - Beauty, isn't it?
I may get one myself. Just think of the self-inflicted wound it could cause.
Next.!
You'll wise up.
Pierce, I think I finally found a place for your cannon: An artillery battery down the road.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. Not an artillery unit. - Why not?
Sorry. If the Koreans want to relandscape their country...
- they're gonna have to dig their own shell craters. - Oh, come on, Pierce.
I'm not gonna give that thing to somebody who's going out there to drum up more business.
- The pop gun is leaving. - Give me some more time. Maybe we can trade for something useful.
Outside of an artillery unit, who would want it?
MacArthur's got a birthday coming up. Make a dandy pipe cleaner.
You got till tomorrow, Pierce. Then she goes to war.
Not so loud with that word, Colonel. The sound of it makes her recoil.
Colonel, that rash is giving us real problems in post-op.
The affected men are starting to scratch under their bandages.
- Spreading it around. - I'm afraid they'll rip open their stitches.
- We've gotta give them relief. - We've tried everything from antihistamines to zinc oxide.
- Then we'll have to try something else. - What?
We got a lab, equipment. We're supposed to have brains. Let's use 'em, come up with an answer.
And that, children, is how they invented chicken soup.
[Kwang Narrating] The Americans come here woefully uninformed about Korea.
A simple rash. And with all their advanced training...
they have no idea what to do about it.
Give me a drop of neomycin. If this fails, I'm seriously thinking...
of giving those boys heavy sedation.
At least they'll get some sleep.
- One whiff of this stuff'll knock 'em out anyway. - Why don't we try astrology?
- Excuse me, sirs. - Oh, wait. Oh, hey.
- Sweet Limburger. That's a nose breaker, that is. - The winner and new champion.
Apologize for smell. Is boiled tree bark. In Korean: [Korean]
Thanks for the snack, son, but we're kind of busy.
No, no, no, no. It's for soldiers' rash. Local remedy.
Please try. Work every time. You see.
- What do you think? - It's their rash. Might as well try their remedy.
- Couldn't hurt. - That stuff sure no good.
Okay, Kwang. You're the doctor.
Well, it's about time. Have you come up with something?
Hang on to your nylons, Margaret. You're about to have them curl around your ankles.
[Screeches] What are you bringing in here?
- Boiled tree bark, the way Mother used to make it. - It's an old Korean folk remedy.
Kwang guarantees it'll cure the rash.
If that doesn't work, we'll try something more modern, like leeches.
I think we should do this scientifically. Take one volunteer as a control.
Maybe somebody has a prison sentence he wants reduced.
Attention, all rash patients. You know who you are.
We got a liquid here that we hope'll stop the itch.
We have a couple of problems with it. First of all, we don't know if it'll work.
And second, it's got a stink that would offend B.O. Plenty.
We can't force you to try it, but we'd really like just one volunteer to test it.
The itch is mightier than the stench.
Wait. Just... Wait. J...
No. You're a band unit!
Well, every army band needs a howitzer.
Just think what it'll do for your percussion section, not to mention the "1812 Overture."
No. Don't hang up on me. What about hecklers?
You gotta protect yourself, right? Hello?
Hello?
- You got a minute? - You know, it's amazing.
Nobody wants that cannon unless they can point it at somebody.
Funny you should say that. I've got everything here the howitzer owner needs...
who wants to turn his gun into a summer home for pigeons.
- Would you run that by me again? - Let's put it out of our misery.
Little cement for hardening of the artillery.
Tool kit for a "cannondectomy."
- Tonight, we operate. - Of course. Surgery of the highest caliber.
Here. Right here.
Aha. Screwdriver.
Screwdriver.
Little light on the patient.
[Clicking]
There. One firing pin.
Dollar says I can make it skip three times in the cesspool.
- [Splash] - No one'll find it there but the cook.
- Come on. Let's close. - Permanently.
Elevate the patient's head.
- Okay. - Death takes a holiday.
- Now, that's art. - [Kwang] Excuse me...
but what are you doing to gun?
- Preventive maintenance, Kwang. - We fix it now, and no one will have to worry about it again.
Ahh, Kwang understand.
No, he don't. This place very strange.
- Now you're catching on. - [Imitates Liquid Chugging]
- [Man] Major, could you come over here a second? - Yes, Welch.
You know that stuff you put on my arm? I think it's working.
- Can I get it on the rest of me now? - Just stay right there.
Colonel Potter! You sure it doesn't itch?
Yes, ma'am. Could I have some more, please?
- What's all the hoo-ha, Major? - It's Welch. He says his arm stopped itching.
- Really? - Why doesn't anybody believe me?
Let me see that wing, son.
Yep. It's starting to clear. How about that Kwang? We're lucky to have him on our side.
- Can I get it on the rest of me now, sir? - Major, "Oh Dong Mul" all around.
Put it on my tab.
[Kwang] Comrade, my conclusions on 4077th MASH.
Their success is valid, but their methods are so unorthodox...
that duplication on our part would be impossible.
As for suggestion that I abduct Major Winchester for questioning, forget it.
He is one big jerk.
Kwang, there's a rat under my bunk. Crawl in and kill it, will you?
- [Grumbles] - No rat, Major Winchester. Just me.
- What are you doing? - Leaving you, sir.
Oh, fine. I'll be rising at 7:00.
Warm a latrine stall for me, will you?
You're lea... leaving? Whe... What? What?
What do you mean, you're leaving? [Groans]
I go look for better job. More pay. Less you.
How dare you do this to me! When I found you, you were nothing.
I accepted you into my home, gave you a sense of fulfillment and self-respect...
by allowing you to be my personal houseboy.
- I name a son after you. - Oh, thank you very much.
Wha... I'm sorry. Kwang, wait. I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you... Oh, this kills me...
I'll give you $1.50 a day, but no more Thursday nights off.
- Good-bye. - Wait a minute, Kwang. Now, be reasonable.
- You need me! - Sorry. Boat has sailed.
Kwang, you will get no references from me!
I assure you, you will never work in Korea again!
All right. Look... Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Kwang, $1.60 an hour, and no more spit-shining. - You had your chance.
Ah, Kwang, just the hero we wanted to see.
Your boiling bark had the perfect bite.
- That "Oh Dong Mul" worked like a charm. - Oh, thank you. I do my part.
Kwang, I will give you one last chance. Stay, and we will split the cleaning.
- You're leaving, Kwang? - This is large country. There must be better boss somewhere.
Uh-huh? Huh. That's it. You're fired again.
Oh. Hate to lose you, son, but before you scoot, we've got a kudo for you.
- Kudo? - Colonel, he only speaks Korean and English.
Check. Kwang...
we of the 4077 th have a little commendation to present to you.
The U.S. Army appreciates how you helped us...
through our rash to-do and wants to make it official.
This is the certificate of achievement.
- Congratulations. It'll look great in your den. - This really for me?
- He gets a certificate? - For three days with you, he should get the Purple Heart.
- [Grunts] - Thank you. I'm sure my... people will be very surprised.
- Thank you. Thank you very much. - Kwang, Uncle Sam salutes you.
- Yankee Doodle. - The Officers Club is open for celebrating.
- Maybe you could stay over a while and abuse your liver. - We'll serve you.
- Must be going. - All right then. Good luck. Take care.
And remember: The welcome mat is always out.
- You know the war... We'll be here forever. - So long. Nice to know you.
[Hawkeye] Charles, there's still some "Oh Dong Mul"left. Let me buy you a round.
He was like my own boy. Ow.
Wait! Wait for me!
[Kwang Narrating] Dear Comrade. An unforeseen complication.
I am to be privy to a top-secret policy meeting.
This means my return will be later than planned...
but I'm sure it will be well worth it.
You should've seen the look on MacArthur's face.
Oh, the stories I could tell you... the stories I could tell you.
- Oh, yeah? - [Hawkeye] We're listening.
Well... Nah!
You wouldn't believe me.
You know, when all is said and done, you're not such bad fellows.
- How would you know? - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Kwang, am I crazy, or is your English improving?
- Yeah. - Yeah. You talkin' real good right now.
Oh, yeah.
Ahh, it must be the whiskey. Fill me up, Charlie.
How dare... Do you realize who you're talk... A day ago, I employed...
Oh, what the hell.